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Youre A Big Girl Now
Below are the 8 most recent journal entries.
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2009.08.01 03.36
there are so many things in my head overwhelming my days, but at the same time im filled with emptiness and a want to just give it all up. Little things like driving and picking up clothing, or even brushing my teeth feel like impossible tasks. Im not exactly sure as to why but i just want it to stop. I feel like im so taken by what are supposed to be the small things in life, that im incapable of actually doing anything.
For fucks sake I couldnt even go to work today because I left my keys in the ignition for the second time in the past two weeks. AND work! Work is a whole other issue. Its like even the things I enjoy are torture, because if i have to actually try at anything it is too much.
I think it all comes from my fear of failure. If i could just let go of my insecurities I most likely wouldnt be so scattered and therefore wouldnt make silly mistakes on a daily basis. So then, my mind would be free to fill up with something that may actually be productive. Easier said than done.
I cant even take my fucking antidepressants. Im officially self destructive. But thats nothing new is it?
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2008.05.18 23.38
i dont give a flying fuck about anything or anyone anymore.o ya and im the biggest ive ever been in my life.COOL.
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2007.10.13 14.23
i give up
its pretty much the same
its been the same and ive given up on the idea that its going to get better. im working hard and nothings paying off, im fatter than ever. all i want to do is listen to elliot smith and hide under my bed. I really wish i had the guts to kill myself. I feel like some people just arent meant to live in this world and im one of them. im pretty sure my life is over.im going to go smoke then sleep ...then go out with friends, pretend to be happy...and do it all over again. i love all of my imaginary friends, its the one time when i dont feel like a pathetic complainer. i want to die in some sort of bizarre accident.
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2007.06.28 18.54
im fat. i dont have one friend. i im an abstinent drug addict. i havent had a cigarette in three days. im always tired. i hate everyone but am so lonely. i dont want to pretend anymore. ive pushed all those away that loved me and all those i let love me abandon me. im lonely. im an idiot and im fat. i cant change being an idiot, but i CAN not eat. ive never been in the position to compulsively overeat. there is something wrong, something different. i need to crawl into a hole, fast, and chainsmoke until my lungs are black. i don feel well. i cant let anyone in until i dont hate myself so much. i dont want to hate m
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2006.04.23 19.24
why is it then when im at my fattest i have two guys that are disturbingly OBSESSED with me. i hate it. i dont understand it. i want them to go away.
...come back when im skinny...then maybe ill be good enough to love
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2006.02.13 18.02
um ya i havent been on in centuries. i relapsed and shit and my mom thinks im making deals through the internet. if i relapse again im going to inpatient, which means they start weighing you to make sure you are gaining weight. if i gain anymore weight i will be a blimp.
ya so im fasting again. basically thats all. i need to start being active again. life is shit. hope everything is going well for all of you.
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shes_sothin's journal
